Saturday, August 23, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Accountants
* A fool and his money stabilize the economy
* Accountants never die, they just lose their balance
* Accountants: The first to know and the last to go
* If the fool and his money are soon parted, how did he get the
money in the first place?
* If there's a will, there's a fee.
* In God We Trust; All Else we Audit
* Nerds make the best accountants
* We're from Internal Audit and we're here to help you
* Accountants never die, they just lose their balance
* Accountants: The first to know and the last to go
* If the fool and his money are soon parted, how did he get the
money in the first place?
* If there's a will, there's a fee.
* In God We Trust; All Else we Audit
* Nerds make the best accountants
* We're from Internal Audit and we're here to help you
Insurance Job...
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company' policy requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
"Sorry, we don't need anyone..." they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!"
"Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job."
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.
"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!"
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"What's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company' policy requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jone's and this one is Mrs. Johnson's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention - so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"
Fiancé
A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." He replies.
"A Torah scholar, Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Do not worry, sir, God will proceeds like this"
And each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that
God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answer, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I am God."
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar." He replies.
"A Torah scholar, Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will
you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will
provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Do not worry, sir, God will proceeds like this"
And each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that
God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"
The father answer, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
he thinks I am God."
Cheating wives...
Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with an
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a
plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with an
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under
our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a
plumber. The other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't
mine."
Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both
his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."
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